Thirty-fifth Annual

Marriage Enrichment Retreat
All Aboard the Love Train
Sponsored by the Silicon Valley Chapter of the
Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment -- A.C.M.E.

ECCO Marriage Enrichment Retreat 2010: A Veritable Mace Tradition

In 1962, David and Vera Mace conducted their first couples retreat … specifically, one focused on public couple dialogue: “Letting the marriage speak.” They envisioned and created retreats for couples where the couples would dialogue the whole weekend long: knee-to-knee, hand-in-hand, reflecting the other’s statements, showing empathy, understanding, and progression whilst being surrounded and witnessed by a circle of like couples providing silent but loving support and resonance.

In California, this tradition continues. For the past 35 years, a group of couples gather together every January, usually over the M.L. King holiday weekend, at a retreat center (fondly known by the retreat participants as ECCO) near Yosemite National Park to co-create a Mace dialoguing retreat. This year, 18 couples gathered over the past weekend at ECCO to honor intimacy and union: to give their relationships space and energy and to give them voice. These couples hailed from all over California and beyond; no fewer than four couples flew over from St. Louis, Missouri particularly to participate in this Marriage Enrichment retreat.

The couples used dialoguing the whole weekend to talk through plans, dreams, adventures, and issues in their life together. The action took place mainly in small groups. In this small group setting, typically, one couple would dialogue while the other couples in the group formed a safe, intimate, nonjudgmental “witnessing circle.” There were six couples in each group, with one couple taking on the “leader-facilitating” role: responsible for providing some instruction as well as structure, framing, safety, and time-keeping. The leader-facilitator couple, however, participates as fully as the other couples, using the dialogue modality to share their “marital voice.”  In addition, one small group, led by the long-time Marriage Enrichment leaders, Ben and Trish Goossen, trained a new couple in the ACME curriculum so that they can take on future leadership duties.

On Friday night the 18 couples started trickling in: meeting and greeting, hugging old friends they might not have seen since January 2009, shaking hands with new ones; they got to reconnect or to know one another better. This bonding took place over communal dinners with provocative “couple questions," alias "table topics,” laid out for each table; in the large group after-dinner session; and ultimately in the small group setting. Saturday morning, the work began with a rolling agenda. The rolling agenda is simply a List, written on a chart pad, wherein the couples nominate issues they wish to explore over the weekend. For our small group, we had topics ranging from “Adult Children Moving Back Home” and “Balancing Very Different Energy Levels” through to “Where Did You Put My Glasses?” Not all topics were covered, but all were noted and many were used as springboards to dialogue. Even so, each couple approached their hot topic uniquely—bringing all of their experience and values and in many cases, years of marriage or togetherness to bear. The couples listening in our group were encouraged not to give feedback on another couple's dialogue, and never advice nor suggestions on content. Rather, what they’d witness they could use to launch their own dialogue… resonances railed strongly. Thus the dialogue circle flowed steadily like a bubbling creek through boulderous mountains.

Small group breakouts were intermixed with large-group sessions, also an integral part of the annual ECCO Marriage Enrichment retreat. Friday evening began with a warm welcome to all participants, along with a special nod to the “dragees” – those people for whom attending such a weekend might not be their first choice in how to spend their free time. They were thus here, we acknowledged, “as a ‘gift of love’ to their partners.” This community session also featured an opening song, Welcome to the Love Train, as The Love Train was this year’s  theme. The theme changes yearly: last year, it was a puzzle theme—Solving The Mysteries Of Love; past years have featured such themes as, Safe Harbor or Flying United. For this year, one couple, Bobby and Joellen Wyatt, provided party favors of little train engines for each couple – along with a bookmark inscribed with: “A One-Way Trip Ticket… departure from A Good Marriage ... arrival at A Great Marriage”  … . The Wyatts habitually bring in favors/small thematic gifts to the attending couples. Another couple, John and Celia Feret,  brought in a working train model set, complete with engine smoke—John is a railroad hobbyist!

Saturday night is always a special one at ECCO. It begins with a cocktail party at 5:30pm: red and white wine, exotic appetizers, jazz music, and couples dressing up in their winter finery. This is followed by a candlelight dinner, usually a lovely one—this time with stuffed chicken breasts, wild rice, and pie for dessert. Then the couples gather in the chapel area for a large group session. The session explored Sexuality, because the tenet is that no marriage retreat is complete without this central area being touched upon. For the Sexuality session, Bea and Jim Strickland led a provocative workshop on “1-2-3-Foreplay”… and laughter abounded throughout the  hall. Then the couples reconvened in their small groups for more intensive dialogue time. Finally, the evening concluded with a party in the dining area—replete with “wedding cake,” singing at the piano, jazz and folk music, and a rousing game of Ungame [for couples] that went into the late hours of the night.

Sunday morning completed the retreat with a look forward… goals planning for the year. This usually takes the format of “what I want for me/what I want for you/what I want for us”… which the couple completes separately and talks over together.

By the time group photos came round, there was a feeling of magic, serenity, intimacy and love .. a blessed circle co-created by 18 intentional couples, couples of all ages and experience and backgrounds, who appear annually for no other reason but to pay attention to and care for their relationship … in some special sense, to sanctify their union.   We already look forward to next year's retreat.